I love how we fight: What to do when there’s conflict in a romantic relationship

Is fighting and conflict normal in a romantic relationship?

The health of a romantic relationship is not measured by how often a couple fights. Instead, the health of the relationship depends on how the conflict is handled. All relationships have their share of conflict, but healthy couples argue in healthy ways. The way you fight matters.

What is healthy fighting?

Emotionally healthy people know who they are and what they want. They don't automatically conform to what someone else says, believes or wants just to avoid conflict. So, when two emotionally healthy people are in a relationship, there will be differences of opinions and goals. Healthy couples have discussions about hard topics without criticism, harsh words, attacks, defensiveness, denial, etc. And, a sign of a healthy conflict is that once it is over, the couple feels closer because they both felt heard and understood.

When healthy couples have conflict

~Healthy couples get angry sometimes, but they express their needs and concerns in a gentle way that makes it easy for the other to understand and accept.

~Healthy couples address one issue at a time instead of trying to bring past issues into the discussion.

~Healthy partners listen to and consider the other's needs.

~Healthy partners admit when they are at fault.

~Healthy partners let go of grudges. They accept apologies and efforts to improve.

~Healthy couples take time-outs when "temperatures" begin to rise. They realize that they can't make progress on the discussion when either partner is speaking or acting in a disrespectful way. So, when they suspect that temperatures are rising, they take a break and make a plan for when they will return to the topic. In the meantime, they work on calming themselves so that they are ready to resume the discussion.

~Healthy couples practice reflective listening when they are discussing a difficult topic. They listen to what the other has to say, and then before responding with their own point of view, they reflect it back (restate the other's position) to make sure they understand their partner's point of view. They also ask for feedback on whether they got it right.

~Healthy couples proactively practice prevention by listening to and honoring each other's goals.

When unhealthy couples have conflict

~Unhealthy partners give the silent treatment. They walk off, stonewall, or refuse to talk things out.

~Unhealthy couples respond with rage. They let their anger get to the point of being hurtful.

~Unhealthy couples use harsh words in their fights instead of softening their words to help the other understand.

~Unhealthy partners withdraw to avoid having to deal with the other partner's feelings

~Unhealthy partners conform to the other's needs, concerns, or opinions out of fear or out of lack of self-knowledge.

~Unhealthy partners disrespect the other with their words, tone of voice, and/or body posture.

~Unhealthy couples throw or punch things or people.

~Unhealthy partners try to control the other partner either physically or psychologically.

~Unhealthy partners treat the other with contempt as if the other partner is beneath them.

~Unhealthy partners criticize and blame their partner when things go wrong.

~Unhealthy partners never admit fault when they have done something. On the other hand, it is equally unhealthy to accept blame when the other partner does something.

~Unhealthy partners hold grudges and refuse to accept the other's apologies and honest attempts to change.

If your relationship includes any controlling, demeaning, disrespecting, violence, or long silent treatments, you need to get help so you can find safety and start the process of re-discovering your self-respect.

Changing unhealthy conflict patterns

Because each couple is a system, their interactions are actually cyclical and predictable. In the example above, this couple has predictable responses when they have conflict. Every time she criticizes, he will get defensive. When she rages about his defensiveness, he will withdraw, and then she will criticize him. The cycle can start at any of the stages, but cycles tend to play out the same way, in the same sequence.

The good news is that negative cycles can be changed. Cycles can be changed by interrupting them at any stage of the cycle. In other words, the way to change a cycle is for someone (either partner) to respond differently from how they normally would. This forces the whole system to change, and a new cycle emerges. Imagine what would happen for the couple above if instead of criticizing him when he shuts down and withdraws, she explains the feelings that come up for her when he withdraws. She could tell him (without yelling or accusing) that when he withdraws, it makes her feel abandoned and scared. Since this would be so different from her typical criticism, she should get a very different response from his typical defensiveness.

When a couple gets curious enough, they can start to understand what is happening in their particular cycle. More importantly, when a couple understands their cycle, they can recognize when a negative interaction is starting up and can interrupt it by changing their responses to more healthy ones. When the cycle feels too complicated to see clearly or too stuck to change, then it is a good idea to get help. A good counselor can help you change your conflict in your romantic relationship and create new ways of interacting. It can take some practice, but the new connection and understanding is worth all the effort!