Forgiveness:

Forgiving is not what you think it is

what is forgiving? Why should I forgive someone who hurt me?

That hurts! I don't like it!

When someone injures us physically, financially, relationally, etc., the natural (and healthy) response is a surge of energy!

It can feel like anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, etc. This surge of energy is helpful because it alerts us that something is very wrong. It’s like when we touch a hot stove. The resulting energy from that feels like pain. It is a signal that our skin is getting damaged, and we need to react to protect ourselves. It also teaches us that we don’t want to put our hand where the stove can hurt us again!

Never again!

The pain and anger we feel after someone has mistreated us can also be a helpful signal that we need to react in some way and that we shouldn’t get in a situation where that person can hurt us again. Depending on the type of relational injury, it can take some time to realize we are hurt and that things need to change. It is important to take the time we need to make sure we understand the facts of what really happened, the extent of our injury, and the ways we will protect ourselves in the future. Once we have that figured out, we have a choice of how we will spend our remaining energy.

I want revenge! Punish them!

In the hot stove example, one choice would be to use our energy to curse and beat the stove with a baseball bat. But, that won’t help our hand get better. It could make it worse! It ends up being a waste of time and energy that we could have spent taking care of and healing ourselves. When it comes to interpersonal injuries, it is the same. We can choose to spend time and energy getting revenge and punishing the person who hurt us, but that won’t heal our injury! Instead, it ends up sucking up time and energy that we need to spend taking care of ourselves. It also keeps us from moving forward in our journey to become the best version of ourselves.

They're evil...They're evil...They're evil...

Another choice we have when someone treats us badly is to use our energy dwelling and ruminating on the injury and the person who injured us; how they caused us pain, how we could get revenge, or how much we hope that somehow, someday they will be punished and feel pain of their own. We get stuck living and reliving the event. Yuck! Once was more than enough! Ruminating doesn’t make the injury any better, and being stuck in fruitless anger wastes time and energy that we could have spent taking care of ourselves.

What do I need?

The better choice is to use that energy to move toward healing. We can take time to look inside and ask ourselves what we really need right now to start getting better. That will look different for every situation. It may mean anything from talking to someone we trust to wrapping up tight in a blanket. It could also mean making changes in ourselves to become someone who is not an easy target or someone who can confidently stand up to a bully. Whatever it is, that is where we need to pour our time and energy, and that will put us on the path of healing.

Forgiveness

Crazy as it sounds, healing from an interpersonal injury is never complete without forgiveness. I know, it sounds like we are letting someone off the hook. So, let's be clear, it is important to be realistic and always remember what happened. Otherwise, how will we protect ourselves in the future?

• Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened.

• Forgiving doesn’t make the past go away.

• Forgiving doesn’t mean acting like nothing ever happened.

• Forgiving doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be hurt again.

• Forgiving doesn’t mean just letting someone hurt you.

Forgiving is when you are at the point that you are no longer stuck dwelling on the pain someone caused, and you are moving forward with hope toward a more abundant life. Forgiveness is more about liberating the victim than liberating the perpetrator. In fact, forgiving is a very personal process that doesn't involve the person who hurt us at all. Forgiving isn’t based on whether the person who hurt you has changed, apologized, or paid for their mistake because forgiveness is more about the heart of the victim than the perpetrator's heart. Forgiving someone is a gift to ourselves that helps us start living our lives from a place of truth: truth about what happened, truth about the person who hurt us, and truth about how to have healthy relationships in the future. And forgiving someone means we hope that someday, somehow, they will start their own path to a better life.