Good Grief: what is healthy grieving?

The thing the entire human race has in common

is the deep pain of grieving.

When we think of grief or grieving, we often associate it with the death of a loved one- when in fact, reasons for grieving are as vast and as varied as the entire human race. We can grieve things like job losses, loss of innocence, failed relationships, poor choices, Loss of faith, loss of youth, loss of possessions, etc.

Expressing Grief

Depending on the type of loss, and the person experiencing it, grief can bring feelings like sadness, numbness, and anger. Most of us understand expressions of grief like crying and shutting down, but there are other normal responses to grief that sometimes surprise us or the people around us. These could include things like:

• joking/laughter

• irritability

• acting like nothing ever happened

• not being able to get rid of things like clutter

• excessively talking about the loss

• not wanting to talk about the loss

• changes in appetite or sleeping habits

• panic

• hopelessness

Someone's response to grief can be confusing when it is unexpected, but that does not make it "wrong" or "crazy." Remember, there are times when normal can look crazy to someone watching, but it is still normal!

In past decades, grief was described as a series of stages to be accomplished before a person "finishes" grieving. In more recent years, we have found that it is more useful to discuss grieving as something that is ongoing. A person never really finishes grieving a loss. The intense pain usually diminishes over time, enabling us to function and move forward, but the grieving lasts as long as the memory of the loss. And honestly, there are many losses that we would never want to completely forget!

Signs of Healthy Grieving

Instead of pushing for an end to grief or milestones to 'achieve' along they way, we can look for and notice when we see small signs of healthy grieving. Noticing whether these indicators show up over time helps us measure whether our grieving is productive or whether we are stuck and need some help. These indicators are not one-time events. They can occur many times and even at the same time. Additionally, there is no 'one size fits all' time table for seeing these signs because each loss is as unique as the individual experiencing it. Remember, grieving lasts a lifetime; the important thing is to notice these small signs along the way.

Returning to functioning in daily tasks and occupations

Normal functioning can seem impossible at first, especially after a big loss. These are times to remember to be kind and patient with yourself. It is important to notice any baby steps you are taking. Sometimes, even brushing your teeth can seem like an accomplishment, so celebrate it.

Connecting with people who can provide support

Connecting can look different for everyone, and some types of connection will feel too hard in the aftermath of a loss. With healthy grieving, we eventually notice that we start to find ways of connecting that work for us individually. After a deep loss, you may not always feel like going out, but you may notice that you start to try small connections like texting someone, having a watch party with a BFF, finding someone who is willing to listen, asking someone to get you a pint of ice cream, taking a walk with someone, or inviting someone over to work out with you. It's helpful to remember that in times of grief, we need support and that it is healthy to ask for what we need.

Gaining clarity and meaning for the loss

With the passage of time (sometimes years or decades), healthy grieving brings new understanding. It could be things like new understanding about the reasons for the loss, new clarity about our own contribution or lack of contribution, or even a better understanding of how others are/were affected by the loss. When you notice new wisdom coming from your loss, you are noticing the effects of healthy grieving.

Finding new ways of being

We might also notice over time that we grew or changed after the loss. There are a variety of ways grief can change us. Sometimes people notice that their grief helped them better understand how to help someone else who is grieving. Some people find that their loss forced them to make adjustments to become more independent or more assertive. Being able to notice growth that comes from grieving is an indicator that the grieving is healthy.

Finding room to be grateful for what we had

One thing that we can start any time, including the first day of a loss, is expressing gratitude for who or what we lost. We can express gratitude that they were a part of our lives. We can also express gratitude for the part of them that will always be with us. Writing, praying, talking, meditating, or social media posts are a great way to start your gratitude practice. If we notice that our hurt starts to allow some space for gratitude, then we are noticing another sign of healthy grieving.

Example of healthy grieving

The video below by kdhaws shows a beautiful example of someone working through the grief that comes with old age and learning to say goodbye to life and loved ones. It is about 3.5 minutes. Notice that throughout the video, we get a sense that sadness is an ever present undertone in kdhaws's life because grieving hurts! (No one gets to tell you not to hurt.) But, at the same time that kdhaws feels deep sadness, he appears to be able to function in his daily life and pastimes. He also shares the way he has found some clarity, acceptance, and meaning in his grief. Then, as he connects with his loved ones, he expresses gratitude to them for being a part of his life. Let's learn from his wisdom and appreciate EVERY day that we had, have, and will have with the ones we love!