What is a boundary? How do I recognize healthy or unhealthy boundaries?

Countries have physical boundaries that define where one country ends and another begins. Psychological boundaries define where one person ends and another begins.

A boundary is...

A person's psychological boundary contains their body, their desires, their likes and dislikes, their dreams, their strengths and weaknesses, their emotions, their possessions, and their successes and failures. We each have our own, and they do not belong to any other human on the planet! ALL healthy relationship interactions consist of people who own and maintain their own boundary and do not invade someone else's boundary. On the other hand, ALL unhealthy relationship interactions involve some combination of invading someone else's boundary or allowing someone else to invade ours.

Have you ever known someone who interrupts you or tries to finish your sentence for you? That's a minor boundary invasion (trying to own your words). Other minor boundary invasions are things like taking over your project to make sure it is done "right" (trying to own your success or failure) or insisting on to cheering you up instead of just letting you be sad (trying to own your emotions). At the other end of the spectrum are serious boundary violations like stealing (trying to own someone else's possessions), sexual assault (trying to own someone else's body), or murder (trying to own someone else's life).

There is a common thread in all of these examples. In each of these, the problem is trying to own someone else. We don't own people; we own objects. Therefore when a person tries to own another person, they are treating them like an object. No wonder we hate having our

boundaries violated...no human is an object! And no wonder we love it when someone respects us...we are priceless!

Learning Healthy boundaries

The good news is that maintaining a boundary is a skill that can be learned and relearned. In fact, most of us spend our lifetimes honing this skill because our relationships matter!

The first steps to owning yourself can start as small as learning what you like or don't like (without anyone else's input), learning what you are good at, and noticing how you treat boundaries (your own boundaries as well as other people's boundaries). Another important step is learning to own your emotions. Start recognizing when your body is having a reaction to something that happened and try to put a name to that reaction. Things like tightness, pressure, numbness, knots in the stomach, etc. are data that we can use to know that we are feeling an emotion.

Other ways to start owning our own boundary:

• name and allow your emotions

• practice making your decisions independently

• start noticing when you are trying to control someone

• accept that your quirks are part of you and they are ok

• pay attention to whether technology, activities, or substances are invading your boundaries (and turning you into an object that they control)

• pay attention to whether you are blaming other people for your mistakes

• notice when you are doing someone else's tasks for them

• let your hopes and dreams matter

• let other people's hopes and dreams matter

• dress to please yourself

• when you try a new food, movie, podcast, etc., decide whether you liked it based on your own reaction, not someone else's

• spend time and effort getting to know who other people really are

• list the things you are good at

• offer time, money, help only when you can afford them

• call it out when someone tries to own your boundary

• accept it when someone has a different opinion from yours

when you can't seem to find your boundary

Unfortunately, if someone gets treated like an object severely enough or over a long period of time, they can start to act like they are an object. This means not noticing or caring when someone is violating our boundary or even expecting and encouraging them to violate it. If these ideas for learning to own yourself feel unattainable- even after diligent effort- it is possible that you have some trauma in your past (even small) that makes it hard to own yourself. In that case, consider whether you would like to see a therapist to help you move forward on this path.

Whole-hearted living with Healthy boundaries

Remember, owning yourself means not disowning yourself! Don't disown uncomfortable emotions, mistakes, quirks, successes, dislikes, etc. Don't try to deny them or hide them. These are part of you! Living whole-heartedly includes living with ALL of you.

As you start to own your boundary, you may start to see shifts in the way you interact with other people. You may notice that you are more authentic with other people and with yourself. You may get better at keeping the promises you make to yourself. You may be able to give and serve with a more open heart instead of with resentment. You could get a better sense of who you can trust, and most importantly, you may learn to give and receive love better.